Problem In The Bedroom - 8/4/11
Problem In the Bedroom
We have to come to today’s study by reaffirming that all Scripture is inspired by God including chapter 7 of 1 Corinthians. We also affirm the inerrancy (no errors or mistakes) in the entire Bible. Why the reaffirmations? Well depending on where you sit, some may have wished that chapter seven was never included in the Bible. We are today going to study about the married Christian couple’s taboo and the rarely studied, less discussed topic of the cold-war in the married couple’s bedroom. If you are married, this not a time to fake it or think the problem does not exist. You cannot wish it away; so may God help us to study and apply the Scripture in our marriages.
I love the titled to Dr. Juli Slattery’s book titled “No More Headaches – Enjoying sex and intimacy in marriage” (Focus on the Family). In this book, she encourages Christian married women to stop faking the “headache” excuses and embrace the truth of God’s intent of sex in marriage. I did not want to quote a male author on this topic because our wives and sisters in Christ may charge me with bias. Dr. Slattery is just one confirmation of the wide-spread problem based on her counseling practice. Most of the married brothers are saying amen right now. Wait till after the study because we also have a part to play. Chapter 7 of 1 Corinthians is not for women-bashing as may have been wrongly used in the past. The truth in it is for all of us and we must pay heed to it.
The problem of sexual intimacy in marriage is not new. The Corinthian Church had this problem and they wrote to Apostle Paul to help them deal with this topic among others. In our background study of the Corinthian Church, we understand that the city of Corinth was a sex crazed place just like today. Anything and everything was okay as sexual practice in Corinth. There is a foundation to every behavior. Unfortunately, Satan supports everything he does through people with lies (Jesus called him the father of lies). The lie then and now is that the body is evil and that only the “spirit” counts or mattered. As a result and on one extreme, it does not matter what is done in and with the body including sexual immorality of all sorts. On the other extreme and in the Church at Corinth, the error in their theology led to the conclusion that since the body is evil, sexual union in marriage must also be evil. Apparently, couples in the Corinthian Church started avoiding each other and some were even considering divorce to free them from this “evil body”. The thinking was that celibacy was more spiritual than the married life. What a mess and nonsense!
Satan has been successful with the above lies and strategy. Glorify sex outside of marriage and demonize sex in marriage. May we never be on Satan’s side to make his case in our intimate relationships in marriage. Let’s allow God’s Word to speak to us. “For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body[c] and in your spirit, which are God’s”(1corinthians 6:20). Yes, sex in marriage is spiritual and honoring to God. 4 “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4).
1 Corinthians 7:1-16
1 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me:
It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. 7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.
8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
Here are my observations in addition to the ones you may have:
1. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul is now just getting to answer the questions from a letter written to him from the Corinthian Church. “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me” vs.1. In previous chapters, he had been addressing other issues as were reported to him not from the written letter but from Chloe’s household. See 1 Cor.1:11. I believe the questions were of such as: Should we even get married assuming that the “body is evil”? Should we stay in our current marriage and if we are to stay, should we avoid sex altogether? Or, conversely, “Why can’t we just do what everyone else out there is doing in sexual immorality since the “body is evil” anyway? We will answer the question of staying or not staying single and unmarried for next week. For today, we will focus on marriage and sex in marriage in light of the lies of Satan that says the “body is evil”. Paul in the previous chapter 6 laid the foundation for his answers by saying, “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body[c] and in your spirit, which are God’s” (1 Cor. 6:19-20).
2. Outright, Paul dismisses any room for sexual immorality in the Church. “It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband”. “Touch” as used here is to unite with a woman sexually. If you want to, Paul is saying “touch” only your own wife or husband. Get married instead of getting into sexual immorality. Let’s keep in mind that this is not the only purpose for marriage as Paul would expound more on marriage in Ephesians 5. But in light of the present danger and the lies being lived in the society, then get married. God ordained marriage, so get married and avoid sexual temptations.
3. Whether you are just getting married or have been in marriage for a long time, Paul goes on to instruct the Corinthian Church that there are rights and privileges of being married. In fact, you are created this way, so avoiding sex in marriage is an exception and only with consent from both husband and wife. “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband” vs.3. Okay, before some misinterpret the phrase “affection due” (it is not just kiss and hug), lets’ hear it in another plain language. “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs” (NLT). So what are these needs? The needs are there for the oneness, the bonding and for the cleaving that God ordained from the beginning (Genesis 2:24). It is God’s idea so let’s please stop fighting and resisting God in this area.
4. The issue of ownership is very important in the kingdom of God. The principle is that God owns everything including us. Whatever we do have is in custody for God. “You are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price” (1 Corinthians 6:19-19). Likewise, in marriage we do not own ourselves. You may not want to hear it but that is what you signed for when you got married. It seems like people in marriage from day one fight against this principle of ownership. Everyone wants to say what they own. Hello, “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Did we hear that? Can you please check with the owner how he or she wants to exercise authority over what he/she owns? Do not just pretend that you know what the other person wants. This is called communication in marriage. Can we just talk? We want to talk to everyone else except the one we are required to talk to – our spouses.
5. Now Apostle Paul tells the Corinthians the obvious as if they had been blinded. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. Basically, he is saying, cut off the nonsense and stop denying one another what God has naturally made you to be. Not coming together in sexual union is the exception and not the norm in marriage. In order words, why did you then get married if you no longer want what God created for marriage? And by the way, stop hiding in prayer and fasting because the prayer is going nowhere and not to God whom you have refused to honor with your body in marriage. If you are going to stay away from each other to pray and fast, let that be by mutual agreement and only for a short period. Are you aiding Satan to tempt your husband or your wife?
6. Can we now be real for a moment? Many have neglected their spouses in the name of God. Many a times a wife have neglected the husband pretending to be worshiping God. She may spend all her time in private prayers, prayer meetings and every Christian event and forget the main event at home. Likewise, many husbands have neglected their wives in the name of ministry and worship of God without giving attention to the “affection due” her. It is even worst in cases where one spouse is a believer in Christ and the other is not. Hello, the body freely given to our spouses is also worship to God. Charity must begin at home. Can we please stop this cloak of godliness but we deny the power of God in our lives? No wonder many of our prayers are not being answered. 1 “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives…7 “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:1 and 7).
We are not naïve. We know that there are other practical considerations in this issue but we do not have excuse. We must all give account of what we have done in our bodies for God. Yes, there may be sicknesses, the children, the hectic schedules and so and so forth. If we do not stop and pay heed to God’s word and pay attention to our spouses, we are bound to crash. We continue to wonder why we have so many divorces in the church but we have the answer. “You are not your own” and let’s stop acting as if we own ourselves. It is not your house; it is not your body or your car or children or your money. It is all God’s. Your body is also for your spouse and vice versa.
May we put Satan to shame because we now know his strategy? We must say no to Satan’s lie that the body is evil and dirty. God made the body and said it was good to be used to honor him. How can we now give Satan chance to deceive us a second time? Before we believed in Christ, some of us used to give our bodies freely to every Dick and Tom; Helen and Sarah. Now that we are in Christ and in marriage we can’t even give ourselves to the only one God has authorized in our lives as our husband or wife. It is a shame and not an honor to God. We want to honor God through prayer and union with Him. But God is saying, first honor me with your body through my representative – your spouse whom you can see and who is filled with my Holy Spirit. “For he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can[c] he love God whom he has not seen? (1 John 4:20).
Can I challenge us that are married? Pease stop; make out time to talk about this important issue in our marriages. What works for you in your situation? Please let’s come to agreement. Sex in marriage is not an option or an extra where by one spouse uses as a weapon to punish and express resentment or reward. There is no place for the “married-single” in the plan and order of God. If you are in this state today, please repent and reconcile with your spouse for the glory of God. The Corinthian Church was not ashamed to seek counsel in this matter since they wrote Apostle Paul. I would say if necessary after all efforts in our couple conversation fail to produce agreement, we should equally seek godly counsel and help. Hello, your marriage is under Satan’s attack and you may be helping him.
Lord, I thank you for purchasing me with a high price. I am not my own likewise my body. Lord, I repent for every selfish use of my body that has not honored you. Lord, forgive me. Lord, I thank you for my wife and for giving her as a gift to me. I pray that that you will help me to honor and cherish her in every way to give her the affection due her. Lord, heal my marriage of every effect of the lies of Satan. I affirm that my body is the temple of your Holy Spirit. Heal all our marriages in Jesus name. Amen.
We have to come to today’s study by reaffirming that all Scripture is inspired by God including chapter 7 of 1 Corinthians. We also affirm the inerrancy (no errors or mistakes) in the entire Bible. Why the reaffirmations? Well depending on where you sit, some may have wished that chapter seven was never included in the Bible. We are today going to study about the married Christian couple’s taboo and the rarely studied, less discussed topic of the cold-war in the married couple’s bedroom. If you are married, this not a time to fake it or think the problem does not exist. You cannot wish it away; so may God help us to study and apply the Scripture in our marriages.
I love the titled to Dr. Juli Slattery’s book titled “No More Headaches – Enjoying sex and intimacy in marriage” (Focus on the Family). In this book, she encourages Christian married women to stop faking the “headache” excuses and embrace the truth of God’s intent of sex in marriage. I did not want to quote a male author on this topic because our wives and sisters in Christ may charge me with bias. Dr. Slattery is just one confirmation of the wide-spread problem based on her counseling practice. Most of the married brothers are saying amen right now. Wait till after the study because we also have a part to play. Chapter 7 of 1 Corinthians is not for women-bashing as may have been wrongly used in the past. The truth in it is for all of us and we must pay heed to it.
The problem of sexual intimacy in marriage is not new. The Corinthian Church had this problem and they wrote to Apostle Paul to help them deal with this topic among others. In our background study of the Corinthian Church, we understand that the city of Corinth was a sex crazed place just like today. Anything and everything was okay as sexual practice in Corinth. There is a foundation to every behavior. Unfortunately, Satan supports everything he does through people with lies (Jesus called him the father of lies). The lie then and now is that the body is evil and that only the “spirit” counts or mattered. As a result and on one extreme, it does not matter what is done in and with the body including sexual immorality of all sorts. On the other extreme and in the Church at Corinth, the error in their theology led to the conclusion that since the body is evil, sexual union in marriage must also be evil. Apparently, couples in the Corinthian Church started avoiding each other and some were even considering divorce to free them from this “evil body”. The thinking was that celibacy was more spiritual than the married life. What a mess and nonsense!
Satan has been successful with the above lies and strategy. Glorify sex outside of marriage and demonize sex in marriage. May we never be on Satan’s side to make his case in our intimate relationships in marriage. Let’s allow God’s Word to speak to us. “For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body[c] and in your spirit, which are God’s”(1corinthians 6:20). Yes, sex in marriage is spiritual and honoring to God. 4 “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4).
1 Corinthians 7:1-16
1 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me:
It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. 7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.
8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
Here are my observations in addition to the ones you may have:
1. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul is now just getting to answer the questions from a letter written to him from the Corinthian Church. “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me” vs.1. In previous chapters, he had been addressing other issues as were reported to him not from the written letter but from Chloe’s household. See 1 Cor.1:11. I believe the questions were of such as: Should we even get married assuming that the “body is evil”? Should we stay in our current marriage and if we are to stay, should we avoid sex altogether? Or, conversely, “Why can’t we just do what everyone else out there is doing in sexual immorality since the “body is evil” anyway? We will answer the question of staying or not staying single and unmarried for next week. For today, we will focus on marriage and sex in marriage in light of the lies of Satan that says the “body is evil”. Paul in the previous chapter 6 laid the foundation for his answers by saying, “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body[c] and in your spirit, which are God’s” (1 Cor. 6:19-20).
2. Outright, Paul dismisses any room for sexual immorality in the Church. “It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband”. “Touch” as used here is to unite with a woman sexually. If you want to, Paul is saying “touch” only your own wife or husband. Get married instead of getting into sexual immorality. Let’s keep in mind that this is not the only purpose for marriage as Paul would expound more on marriage in Ephesians 5. But in light of the present danger and the lies being lived in the society, then get married. God ordained marriage, so get married and avoid sexual temptations.
3. Whether you are just getting married or have been in marriage for a long time, Paul goes on to instruct the Corinthian Church that there are rights and privileges of being married. In fact, you are created this way, so avoiding sex in marriage is an exception and only with consent from both husband and wife. “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband” vs.3. Okay, before some misinterpret the phrase “affection due” (it is not just kiss and hug), lets’ hear it in another plain language. “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs” (NLT). So what are these needs? The needs are there for the oneness, the bonding and for the cleaving that God ordained from the beginning (Genesis 2:24). It is God’s idea so let’s please stop fighting and resisting God in this area.
4. The issue of ownership is very important in the kingdom of God. The principle is that God owns everything including us. Whatever we do have is in custody for God. “You are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price” (1 Corinthians 6:19-19). Likewise, in marriage we do not own ourselves. You may not want to hear it but that is what you signed for when you got married. It seems like people in marriage from day one fight against this principle of ownership. Everyone wants to say what they own. Hello, “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Did we hear that? Can you please check with the owner how he or she wants to exercise authority over what he/she owns? Do not just pretend that you know what the other person wants. This is called communication in marriage. Can we just talk? We want to talk to everyone else except the one we are required to talk to – our spouses.
5. Now Apostle Paul tells the Corinthians the obvious as if they had been blinded. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. Basically, he is saying, cut off the nonsense and stop denying one another what God has naturally made you to be. Not coming together in sexual union is the exception and not the norm in marriage. In order words, why did you then get married if you no longer want what God created for marriage? And by the way, stop hiding in prayer and fasting because the prayer is going nowhere and not to God whom you have refused to honor with your body in marriage. If you are going to stay away from each other to pray and fast, let that be by mutual agreement and only for a short period. Are you aiding Satan to tempt your husband or your wife?
6. Can we now be real for a moment? Many have neglected their spouses in the name of God. Many a times a wife have neglected the husband pretending to be worshiping God. She may spend all her time in private prayers, prayer meetings and every Christian event and forget the main event at home. Likewise, many husbands have neglected their wives in the name of ministry and worship of God without giving attention to the “affection due” her. It is even worst in cases where one spouse is a believer in Christ and the other is not. Hello, the body freely given to our spouses is also worship to God. Charity must begin at home. Can we please stop this cloak of godliness but we deny the power of God in our lives? No wonder many of our prayers are not being answered. 1 “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives…7 “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:1 and 7).
We are not naïve. We know that there are other practical considerations in this issue but we do not have excuse. We must all give account of what we have done in our bodies for God. Yes, there may be sicknesses, the children, the hectic schedules and so and so forth. If we do not stop and pay heed to God’s word and pay attention to our spouses, we are bound to crash. We continue to wonder why we have so many divorces in the church but we have the answer. “You are not your own” and let’s stop acting as if we own ourselves. It is not your house; it is not your body or your car or children or your money. It is all God’s. Your body is also for your spouse and vice versa.
May we put Satan to shame because we now know his strategy? We must say no to Satan’s lie that the body is evil and dirty. God made the body and said it was good to be used to honor him. How can we now give Satan chance to deceive us a second time? Before we believed in Christ, some of us used to give our bodies freely to every Dick and Tom; Helen and Sarah. Now that we are in Christ and in marriage we can’t even give ourselves to the only one God has authorized in our lives as our husband or wife. It is a shame and not an honor to God. We want to honor God through prayer and union with Him. But God is saying, first honor me with your body through my representative – your spouse whom you can see and who is filled with my Holy Spirit. “For he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can[c] he love God whom he has not seen? (1 John 4:20).
Can I challenge us that are married? Pease stop; make out time to talk about this important issue in our marriages. What works for you in your situation? Please let’s come to agreement. Sex in marriage is not an option or an extra where by one spouse uses as a weapon to punish and express resentment or reward. There is no place for the “married-single” in the plan and order of God. If you are in this state today, please repent and reconcile with your spouse for the glory of God. The Corinthian Church was not ashamed to seek counsel in this matter since they wrote Apostle Paul. I would say if necessary after all efforts in our couple conversation fail to produce agreement, we should equally seek godly counsel and help. Hello, your marriage is under Satan’s attack and you may be helping him.
Lord, I thank you for purchasing me with a high price. I am not my own likewise my body. Lord, I repent for every selfish use of my body that has not honored you. Lord, forgive me. Lord, I thank you for my wife and for giving her as a gift to me. I pray that that you will help me to honor and cherish her in every way to give her the affection due her. Lord, heal my marriage of every effect of the lies of Satan. I affirm that my body is the temple of your Holy Spirit. Heal all our marriages in Jesus name. Amen.
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